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How to cultivate a child’s manners? Respect and attention are essential

How to cultivate a child's manners? Respect and attention are essential

Written by: Education expert, Principal Cheung Wai jing

At a talent recruitment event for a large multinational company, both Siu Cheung and Siu Choi successfully passed the initial and follow-up interviews. They stood out from over 100 competitors. Whether it was written tests or communication skills, both were equally impressive, leaving the human resources department’s evaluators in a dilemma, as the company would only hire one person.

In the end, the company manager decided to personally interview both candidates. Surprisingly, after just a few minutes, the manager chose to hire Siu Cheung. When asked for the reason, the manager candidly stated, “The reason is simple. When I was speaking to them, Siu Cheung maintained eye contact with me the whole time, while Siu Choi was looking around, indicating that he wasn’t good at actively listening to others. Being adept at listening and respecting clients is a crucial requirement for a sales supervisor.”


Expressing Sincerity and Respect through Eye Contact

This example illustrates a straightforward lesson: eyes are the windows to the soul, and people use their gaze to convey a range of emotions such as respect, attention, disdain, and indifference. Therefore, maintaining consistent eye contact during conversations signifies your sincerity. Moreover, those who can attentively focus on others’ words without shifting their gaze will naturally earn gratitude and respect from others.

Schools often organize activities centered around the theme of “politeness” to encourage students to be courteous to others. “Others” includes not only family members, elders, teachers, and fellow students but also unfamiliar people. Children should learn early on about polite phrases like “good morning” and “thank you,” but many still don’t proactively greet others, let alone observe other daily life etiquette. Schools focus on teaching students how to behave politely when interacting with teachers and peers in the school setting; the rest relies on family education.

The example of “job hunting” mentioned above might not be applicable to elementary school students for the time being, but they also frequently have opportunities for interviews. If they want to leave a good impression on others, children must learn to use their eyes to show their attention and respect when conversing with others. Therefore, parents need to teach children the skills and art of listening. Of course, when parents listen to their children, they should also give them appropriate respect and attention. This way, children will learn that politeness in interpersonal interactions knows no age or status boundaries. Here are three listening tips:

  1. When listening to someone, avoid looking around and instead focus on the person’s eyes.
  2. When you understand or share the same sentiment, use your eyes to communicate and show agreement.
  3. Gazing at someone doesn’t mean staring fixedly at them; doing so can actually come across as impolite.

In literature, characters are often described as having “eyes that speak.” In reality, everyone has eyes like that; as long as we utilize them well, they can be more persuasive than the words we speak.

How to handle a child’s anxiety about starting primary school?

How to handle a child's anxiety about starting primary school?

Source: Marriage and Family Therapist, Ng Yee Kam

When a child enters first grade and fails to adapt, some may frequently express their longing for their mothers at school and even experience a loss of appetite. Parents are concerned about their child’s anxiety and may continuously tell them, “As long as you do your best, Mom doesn’t care about grades!” But does this approach effectively address the child’s anxiety, or does it backfire?

First of all, parents need to understand that the transition from kindergarten to first grade is a significant change for a child. It truly takes a long time for the child to adapt. In the first-grade stage, the workload increases, rules become stricter, and teachers are more demanding. Children may experience anxiety, leading to various physical symptoms or fear of going to school.

So, how much time does a child need to adapt? It actually varies from person to person. Generally speaking, more introverted or observant children are prone to anxiety, so it may take them a relatively longer time to adapt. Therefore, parents should first understand their child’s personality and temperament, adjust their expectations during this adaptation period, and never compare their child with other children.

Dr. Daniel Siegel, an American psychiatrist, has proposed a very useful method called “Name it to Tame it.” When parents observe emotional fluctuations in their children, they first use their left brain to analyze what might be happening with their child. Parents should use both their left and right brains, empathizing with the child’s feelings and situation, and then verbalize what they perceive the child is feeling. This is the “Name it” step.

For example, you can say to your child, “Are you feeling scared? Are you feeling worried? It seems like you have no appetite. Is there something you’re anxious about?” When we are able to express the child’s emotions, we are actually delineating what the child is experiencing in their right brain very clearly.

For older children, parents can encourage them to express their emotions themselves, and parents can respond to them. This connection between the adult’s and the child’s right brain helps stabilize anxious emotions. We refer to this process as “Connect.” After the connection is established, we can engage in conversation about other topics with the child.

However, parents should remember that when a child expresses their emotions, we must avoid saying things like, “Don’t worry, it’s silly, don’t think about these things,” or “You’re fine as you are, just do your best.” If we respond with our left brain, we cannot alleviate the right brain’s anxiety or bring calmness to the child’s midbrain responsible for emotions.

Lastly, when parents are able to use emotional vocabulary and verbalize what is happening in the child’s mind, it means transforming some of the emotions in the right brain into left brain cognition. This process is called “Redirect.” When we cognitively understand what we are experiencing and feeling, our right brain will find ways to solve the problem, which is referred to as “Problem Solving.”

The sequence mentioned above is crucial when dealing with a child’s anxiety and nervousness. Besides the order, parents also need to have patience. We need to be patient in helping the child understand their emotions so that we can come up with strategies together.

Blank Days During the Summer Vacation

Blank Days During the Summer Vacation

Written by: Lam Ho Pui Yee, Founder & Volunteer Director of Good Love Passion

Many parents make great efforts to fill their children’s summer vacations with activities, as in the parents’ eyes, if the summer time is not spent on learning, it will be wasted. Attending tutorial classes, hobby classes, and summer camps, or even going abroad for study tours, have become the norm. But what would a summer without any extra classes or talent training be like? Can parents give their children a true summer vacation?

Who says that giving children a summer vacation without extra classes and crammed schedules means they lose learning opportunities? Alvin Rosenfeld, the author of “The Over-Scheduled Child” and an American scholar, has pointed out that reserving enough blank time for children actually allows them the space and opportunity to find and develop their personal interests. Many groundbreaking theories were also born during periods of unstructured time. For example, after graduating from university, Einstein was unemployed and had to work at the patent office cataloging strange inventions. He used this blank time to ponder constantly, and eventually discovered the revolutionary concept of relativity. Similarly, during the great plague outbreak in London, Newton had an entire year to retreat to the countryside and lie on the lawn, thinking freely without distractions. It was then that he observed an apple falling from a tree – something he likely would have missed had he remained in the bustling city of London.

Therefore, by leaving blank days during the summer vacation, a child’s mode of thinking will be more prominent, whereas when the schedule is packed full, even the best minds will be in vain. Please leave some time for your children, allow them to allocate their own time, encourage them to engage in lengthy blank periods and slow contemplation of life experiences, and even permit them to waste some time doing silly things. Within these two months, they should say “I love you” to two family members at least 30 times, hug those two family members once a day for three consecutive days, refrain from using their smartphones for a day, and attend a music concert or watch a sports game. Let them walk to the beach or grassy areas to play, run, and shout to their heart’s content, take the initiative to care for those who need care, such as visiting elderly neighbors living alone, and writing an encouraging letter to an old classmate or elderly family member.

Let’s allow our children to experience different lifestyles and have a fulfilling yet unhurried summer vacation!

Becoming child’s mirror

Becoming child's mirror

Written by: Founder & Volunteer Director of Good Love Passion　

　　　       Lam Ho Pui Yee

Parents are the ones from whom young children observe and learn correct and appropriate behaviors. Children learn values, beliefs and attitudes from their parents and family members, so even though there are many educational institutions in society, the family is still the center of education and has the most profound impact on a person. The more good habits a person has, the better his or her character will be, and all habits begin with the parents.

For example, an immature person acts like a child, making poor judgments and making bad decisions, being self-centered and wanting everyone to do what he or she says, and being irresponsible and unable to play his or her role. How can parents help their children to become wise, judgmental, loving, non-egoistic, responsible and willing to take responsibility?

I suggest that parents should treat their children with the following behaviors and values as early as possible, because before the age of one, children mainly rely on their sense of touch to understand the world, and they are always observing and absorbing stimuli and learning from the environment, including adults’  

words, actions and sounds, which are the objects of imitation and the basis of learning. Through continuous training and efforts, we can teach them to behave seriously. Therefore, parents must.

 

  • Trust your child

Recognize the child’s ability to do what the child wants to do, we as parents can set a protective boundary for what our children want to do and then observe. Success or failure is not important, the important thing is to give your child the opportunity to try, but also to let them know that they have the support and backing of their parents.

  • Do what you said

Teach your children to be trustworthy and responsible to others and to keep their promises. If you fail to do so after repeated efforts, you should sincerely explain why and apologize. Teach your child to consider carefully whether he or she is capable and sure of doing what he or she wants to do before promising someone else, and not to promise easily what he or she cannot do.

  1. Be open-minded

Believe that children have different abilities, so be more observant, listen to their requests, and have an open mind. Parents do not need to be overly caring, they should always be warm and fuzzy, and encourage their children to be “themselves” instead of being the children we “want to be” and to walk a path that is truly theirs.